Feeling Sorry for Myself

So I have been dealing with an injury here for over a month.  It really sucks!  I hate that I can't run when I want to run.  I hate that I have to stop not because I am tired or because I reached my goal but I have to stop because my leg hurts.  It seems that after about three miles my leg feels really heavy and almost gives out on me.  I thought I was doing better and then I pushed it too hard and now it hurts bad again. 

I am normally a very positive person.  I am the one who picks everyone else up when they are down.  I have been told I give great advice and I can be very motivating but what happened when I am the one who is down?  Well, I guess I start to feel sorry for myself. 

I have had plans to run the FULL marathon this year and now this injury seems to be messing up with my plans and I don't know what to do.  My husband claims the thing he loves the most about me and also annoys him the most is that once I get an idea in my head, I am doing it.  No stopping me I am going to do it.  BUT what if I physically can not do it?


I watched a video today that is posted on our Sole Sisters Facebook page ( check it out).  It was about a guy who was told he would not be able to run or walk without assistance and guess what?  He proved them wrong.  It really made me think,  why am I sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I am hurt.  I can work through this.  I can still reach my goals.  I can even still run a FULL marathon.  I have time on my side and any one who knows me knows I also have determination.  My goal for this year was to run a FULL marathon well this year also has 365 days in it.  If I can not do Lincoln ( which I have not given up on) there are plenty of other marathons and days and more time.


I am officially done feel sorry for myself and back to dreaming big, don't give up, never ever give up.

STRONGER

So on this Saturday and Sunday October 13 and 14th, 2012 I am going to attempt the most physically challenging thing I have ever done.  I am going to run a half marathon on Saturday, 13.1 miles and then wake up and do it all again on Sunday!  Say what?!?!  You read that right.  It is called the Double Half Mary and it is BOLD!  If you know me you know I enjoy running, I have run two half marathons, some 5Ks some 10Ks.  I DO consider running not just something I do but PART of who I am.  I often use the line “ I have turned out to be so much stronger than I ever thought I would be”.  That sounds all great but what exactly do I mean.  So many other amazing women in this group have been so very very honest about why they run and all their struggles and trials.  I thought I would be honest as well.

When I use the line stronger than I ever thought I would be, I am talking about a time in my life when I would not have used Strong as a word to describe myself or anything about me.  I was in a young marriage that was not healthy.  It was both physically and emotionally abusive.  I will not tell you about all details, but I went through ALOT and  it was a hard time for me.  I felt weak emotionally and physically.  I made the decision to start a better life for my beautiful newborn daughter and started my journey as a single mother.  I sacrificed to make ends meet and am proud to say she turned out to be a pretty wonderful, she is an amazing young lady today, OK actually she is perfect.

I have since that time forgiven my Ex- husband, met and married a wonderful man who loves me just they way I am and have two more beautiful daughters, twins now age four.  I have a little three bedroom house with a backyard and I am able to stay home with my children and enjoy every moment with them.

I run because everything I have been through is a part of me, I have lived through it and gotten stronger for going through it.  I would not change one minute of anything I have gone through.  I love the person I have grown to be and every experience made me what I am today.  With every step on every run I feel stronger, I think of where I have been and what I have learned and where I still want to go.  I think of my amazing family and how much I love them.  Most of all I just feel Happy and Grateful.

So this weekend when I line up on the starting line of my crazy races you may be standing right next to me in the race but it is not you I am competing against.  I run for me, I run to be STRONGER. 

Weary

Most Moms I know are tired. Their plates are full with jobs, chores, children, meals to make, floors to clean (again), nursing babies, shopping, car pooling... The list is literally endless. We are, by the true definition of the word, weary.

Weary: 1. Physically or Mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, Strain, etc.; fatigued, tired 2. Impatient or dissatisfied with something

As Moms, we are pulled in zillions of directions, often physically AND mentally exhausted and, in the moment, can be dissatisfied by the state of our minds, bodies, houses, children's attitudes... WEARY.

Lately, I have been weary, too. I haven't wanted to even put a clean shirt on, let alone lace up my sneaks and pound the pavement- where would the energy even come from?

I love the verse from Isaiah: run and not grow weary, walk and not faint

It is often my mantra as I'm out on the road forcing myself forward. I thought of these words the other day as I debated whether actually doing my long run for the week. It would be my longest run to date, beating my previous long run record by 1.5 miles. I was too tired. I had a headache. My period had just started. I was feeling a bit more than weary, I was on a hormonal crash course.

But, just as the Bible promises we are renewed in Jesus, I grabbed my mp3 player, blasted some awesome tunes and found that as I ran, I too was renewed. I had a goal, I had something to accomplish and it was only for me- no one else in the entire world was facing that exact route, that exact mileage as I was. I ran, and I was not weary... in fact, I even walked some, and I did not faint. 

I'm still tired today, and I'll likely start making some excuses here soon to try and avoid my tempo run this evening, but I know once I get out there, even if the time is brief, that run is mine. It belongs to me. My muscles may get sore, my lungs may burn, but my heart will not be weary, because I made the time to run, just for me. 

Past the slump

It had been quite a while since I ran more than 2 miles. 2.4 last month, and I walked a third of that too. 2.2 was the last distance I ran without any stopping, and that was 3 weeks ago. Yep. I was in a slump. An I-can't-go-any-farther-2-mile-slump. My goal since April has been to work my way to running 3 miles about 3 times a week. So why couldn't I get myself to go any farther? I needed help. So I turned to, you guessed it, my fellow Sole Sisters!

They had all sorts of great suggestions! More cross-training. Changing my route so I don't mentally quit when I hit familiar landmarks. Run with friends. Cheer myself on. Throw in some sprints for fun. Plus lots of encouragement that it's not just me, it's just hard to increase your mileage!

So tonight, I mapped a new 2.5 mile route (using mapmyrun.com!), met up with 2 Sole Sisters, and ran more than 2 miles! Grand total? 2.61 miles, at a slow but satisfying 12:47 minute/mile pace! We stopped briefly at the water fountain at our turn-around point, and the ladies helped me through my usual my-shoes-are-filled-with-concrete moment from about mile 1.5-1.8, and we did it! So much fun to run with good friends and smash through imagined barriers!

Here we are after our run! What a great night!

Persistence and motivation

I have started running many times in my life. By that, I mean I have started a running program or routine more than once. More than twice. Probably more than 8 times in my short 30 years. I have quit for so many reasons, some silly excuses (too cold, too hot, I just want to watch that show tonight,...), and some perfectly understandable reasons (pregnancy #1, pregnancy #2, injuries,...).

But I have started again each time, even though it may be years later. To feel healthier. To reach a healthier weight. To lower my cholesterol. To have more energy. To keep up with my children's activity levels. To have time to myself. To think. To pray. To set a goal and achieve it. To have fun. To prove to myself that I can do "impossible" things. To increase my endurance.

As I have learned more about running and my body in particular over the years, I have had an easier and smoother journey starting back up each time. I know how to breathe so my side stitch doesn't make me give up. How to stretch and work on my stride to ease my illiotibial band knee pain. How to start out slowly so I don't burn out and hurt myself too soon. How it feels at the end of a great run. Where to find the best shoes for my feet. Where to find help when I'm hurting. And how to keep myself motivated to continue when the couch keeps calling my name.

As of today, I have not run in 5 days. In that time, I was up most of the night for two nights helping two mothers bring two beautiful new babies into the world. As I doula'd my dear clients this week, I was so thankful that I run. I helped a laboring mother walk up two steps at a time for 6 floors, twice, and wasn't huffing and puffing like I would have 5 months ago. I helped a laboring mother walk briskly around the hospital floor, and didn't have to think about whether I could handle another circuit. I had the endurance to rub a laboring mother's lower back for almost 5 hours continuously. And then I had the strength and energy left to come home to my family, just in time for dinner and bedtime.

I am a runner because it makes me a better wife, a better mother, a better birth doula. Running gives me the energy to live my life well.